To Dearth, to dearth

He picked me up. From the same place he always does. Right outside the grand hotel. Whenever i meet him at his neighbourhood that is. The same spot. Only this time there was no bickering. Albeit my drama.

Or his understated one.

No hugs. Just muted greetings.

We drove off. The same question. The same respond. Where do you want to head? I don't know.

He finally figured a new coffee shop that had just opened up. Costa. As i stood in front of the cafe, looking at the ugliness that retail follows, he parked his car. We went in. Not even the slightest of something so close that could have once existed. Not even a trail. Not a flicker.

It was pretty crowded. The only table that was available looked rather uncomfortable and was too close to a large group of people sitting beside it. Wouldn't help the awkardness.

I guess people were out for their after meal cofee. It was around 11 in the night. He was leaving the next day. We decided to sit outside. I hadn't smoked a single cigarette. Not because i didn't want to. I just don't know why. He hates smoke.
We placed our order. His hot chocolate. My tea. He gets the bill. He mostly does. I notice their other branch and i say out loud that i was just there a week ago. My supposed holiday. The guy behind the
counter hears me, smiles and says that was the first in the country. I smiled back.

We head out with the waiter carrying our drinks.I'd have preferred a drink. Alcohol. Even if i wanted to, he wouldn't have. He had a flight to catch. And something could have slipped his mind while packing. He had to be ready. He's always anxious. He'll be stopping over in Japan anyway. I don't see the big deal. Lots of 'em hot Japs. Jealousy won't work with me tonight.

The furniture outdoors were probably in good shape and taste when they first started. Even the design. I liked it. Stylish. But now they just looked impractical. Much like us need i say?
Ashtray placed in the middle. Others billowing in smoke. I didn't even wish for a single one. Odd.

His attention was anywhere but here. As if suddenly aware that we were amongst other people. Or maybe scanning the other people around. Someone directly behind me seem to have caught his attention. Because that's where his glances were directed in that tone cold moment of ours.

Hows your Dad?hows your life?I just got accused of being a magazine spy? pfft!they probably just found someone better! I never really liked that magazine anyway. Just write and you'll find your footing. Still glancing elsewhere.
Soothing?Encouraging? Don't know. Definitely not music to the ear when it comes at you with an indifferent bland of incredulous banality. It's like soup. Clear soup. Bland. No feeling
whatsoever.

How are the twins? Adorable. The Sister? curt and kind of snappy reply about something i don't quite recall. Irritation. Annoyance? Perhaps. Invisible gust of magnetic wave over my chest. Im overreacting.
Its definitely something to do with my head. I'm hunched. I don't know why. While he sits there high and mighty like a king on a throne who couldn't dare look at a measly subject least he has something contagious that could rub off on his robes. Im overreacting.

Gulped down the last of our drinks. Cold. Much like the realm around us.Think you should get home. So you can be rested. Just a little longer. I'm being mature. That's new.
My chest is thumping with things i need to blurt out. My head's exploding from every single reaction and observation i make. I restrain myself. Somewhere i know i don't want to look like a fool. Which i probably am anyway.

We head out. Done for the night. For life. I say i'll grab a cab here. He says he'll drop me halfway. Didn't want to argue or make a scene. Still in my maturity. I don't know where the strength
comes from.

We head to his car. Sit rather quietly. Surprisingly, nothing new there. We reach an intersection. He says i'll have to get out here. I turn around and give him a hug. Have fun. Yeah.
There seem to be no cabs around. I get off anyway. We've been on this road before. He usually waits till i actually get into a cab. And after calls in to check if i'm home safe.

I get off and look far ahead for any sign of one zooming past the oncoming traffic. I turn around, longing, my body giving in to all those pent up feelings, nostalgia, melancholia, profound sadness at something that seemed to have writhed out of my energy, being. Nothing there. Left long before i turned around. I didn't even see his tail lights.

Took me a while to get into a cab. No 'will call'. No i'll see you when i get back. No take care of yourself. Nothing. Just stepped up to the green light without even a trail of smoke behind.
Young souls bruise easier. Two hands tugging at my cardio-muscle. Trying to rip it apart. I need air. My head feels like a thousand ants nippling at it as they march along. Not a single virtuos drop from my cornea. They seemed to have dried up sometime ago. The hair on my neck seem to be uprooting itself. The breeze breaks into my clothes. The city lights blind me in all their tawdiness. every face I whizz past is an insignia on themselves. Traffic din bore into my ear drums. My bones seem to disintegrate at the very feel of anything human. My lungs feel like it's filled with a thousand gallons of saliva. I radiate. I radiate.

I light up a cigarette. Drag that nicotine into my throat. I'm home. Or to a place i know. Familiar faces that wrought my mind into someplace I can find certain bliss. I smile. Light up another cigarette. I smile. Grin. They can't see it. I take a drag. And another. And yet another as i lay down in the haze.....