To Dearth, to dearth

He picked me up. From the same place he always does. Right outside the grand hotel. Whenever i meet him at his neighbourhood that is. The same spot. Only this time there was no bickering. Albeit my drama.

Or his understated one.

No hugs. Just muted greetings.

We drove off. The same question. The same respond. Where do you want to head? I don't know.

He finally figured a new coffee shop that had just opened up. Costa. As i stood in front of the cafe, looking at the ugliness that retail follows, he parked his car. We went in. Not even the slightest of something so close that could have once existed. Not even a trail. Not a flicker.

It was pretty crowded. The only table that was available looked rather uncomfortable and was too close to a large group of people sitting beside it. Wouldn't help the awkardness.

I guess people were out for their after meal cofee. It was around 11 in the night. He was leaving the next day. We decided to sit outside. I hadn't smoked a single cigarette. Not because i didn't want to. I just don't know why. He hates smoke.
We placed our order. His hot chocolate. My tea. He gets the bill. He mostly does. I notice their other branch and i say out loud that i was just there a week ago. My supposed holiday. The guy behind the
counter hears me, smiles and says that was the first in the country. I smiled back.

We head out with the waiter carrying our drinks.I'd have preferred a drink. Alcohol. Even if i wanted to, he wouldn't have. He had a flight to catch. And something could have slipped his mind while packing. He had to be ready. He's always anxious. He'll be stopping over in Japan anyway. I don't see the big deal. Lots of 'em hot Japs. Jealousy won't work with me tonight.

The furniture outdoors were probably in good shape and taste when they first started. Even the design. I liked it. Stylish. But now they just looked impractical. Much like us need i say?
Ashtray placed in the middle. Others billowing in smoke. I didn't even wish for a single one. Odd.

His attention was anywhere but here. As if suddenly aware that we were amongst other people. Or maybe scanning the other people around. Someone directly behind me seem to have caught his attention. Because that's where his glances were directed in that tone cold moment of ours.

Hows your Dad?hows your life?I just got accused of being a magazine spy? pfft!they probably just found someone better! I never really liked that magazine anyway. Just write and you'll find your footing. Still glancing elsewhere.
Soothing?Encouraging? Don't know. Definitely not music to the ear when it comes at you with an indifferent bland of incredulous banality. It's like soup. Clear soup. Bland. No feeling
whatsoever.

How are the twins? Adorable. The Sister? curt and kind of snappy reply about something i don't quite recall. Irritation. Annoyance? Perhaps. Invisible gust of magnetic wave over my chest. Im overreacting.
Its definitely something to do with my head. I'm hunched. I don't know why. While he sits there high and mighty like a king on a throne who couldn't dare look at a measly subject least he has something contagious that could rub off on his robes. Im overreacting.

Gulped down the last of our drinks. Cold. Much like the realm around us.Think you should get home. So you can be rested. Just a little longer. I'm being mature. That's new.
My chest is thumping with things i need to blurt out. My head's exploding from every single reaction and observation i make. I restrain myself. Somewhere i know i don't want to look like a fool. Which i probably am anyway.

We head out. Done for the night. For life. I say i'll grab a cab here. He says he'll drop me halfway. Didn't want to argue or make a scene. Still in my maturity. I don't know where the strength
comes from.

We head to his car. Sit rather quietly. Surprisingly, nothing new there. We reach an intersection. He says i'll have to get out here. I turn around and give him a hug. Have fun. Yeah.
There seem to be no cabs around. I get off anyway. We've been on this road before. He usually waits till i actually get into a cab. And after calls in to check if i'm home safe.

I get off and look far ahead for any sign of one zooming past the oncoming traffic. I turn around, longing, my body giving in to all those pent up feelings, nostalgia, melancholia, profound sadness at something that seemed to have writhed out of my energy, being. Nothing there. Left long before i turned around. I didn't even see his tail lights.

Took me a while to get into a cab. No 'will call'. No i'll see you when i get back. No take care of yourself. Nothing. Just stepped up to the green light without even a trail of smoke behind.
Young souls bruise easier. Two hands tugging at my cardio-muscle. Trying to rip it apart. I need air. My head feels like a thousand ants nippling at it as they march along. Not a single virtuos drop from my cornea. They seemed to have dried up sometime ago. The hair on my neck seem to be uprooting itself. The breeze breaks into my clothes. The city lights blind me in all their tawdiness. every face I whizz past is an insignia on themselves. Traffic din bore into my ear drums. My bones seem to disintegrate at the very feel of anything human. My lungs feel like it's filled with a thousand gallons of saliva. I radiate. I radiate.

I light up a cigarette. Drag that nicotine into my throat. I'm home. Or to a place i know. Familiar faces that wrought my mind into someplace I can find certain bliss. I smile. Light up another cigarette. I smile. Grin. They can't see it. I take a drag. And another. And yet another as i lay down in the haze.....

Equilibrium

18 year old takes on the art world
Maaria Sayed, the 18 year old granddaughter of former Chief Minister of Maharashtra, Mr A.R Antulay forays into the art world with her painting exhibition titled "A Raw Teenage Retina." With 46 canvasses to be displayed, she has worked on her paintings over a period of three years.
Medium of choice: oil, acrylic and charcoal.
Maaria drew inspiration for her paintings through the life she leads as a teenager and hence the title of her exhibition. Her theme for her paintings is her need to attain equilibrium as a person. She says the strong influence of religion and her firm belief in it has helped her find a certain balance which translates into her art, a few of which features writings in arabic.
Her paintings have been worked around five themes which include teenage dreams, women empowerment, standardisation of society, the environment and spirituality. Her paintings explore themes of ethnocentrism and xenocentrism through the usage of many colours and heavy texturing. What is unique about the young artists' paintings are the usage of wooden frames, each one of them different from the other indicative of certain obstruction that the artist had to face due to 'our cocktail culture.' She describes her work as 'raw, rugged and unfinished' and rightly so with uneven usage of heavy and dark wooden frames. "I believe that the painting is the soul and the frame the body," she adds. Each one of her rugged frames are uniquely designed in tune with the mood of her paintings. As the artist says, "My paintings would be incomplete without the frames."
This strong, idealistic youth first published her book "My thoughts at sixteen" when she was just seventeen years old with a grand launch by none other than Shobha De. "A Raw Teenage Retina" will be unveiled by the Hon'ble Chief Minister of Maharashtra Mr Vilasrao Deshmukh at Blue Sea, Worli seaface, Mumbai on the 12th of April.
Speaking of her themes, Maaria talks about how teenagers should be allowed to dream and dream big without any restriction and be given the complete freedom to persue what they want. The need to confirm to ideals laid out by society only leads to standardisation 'due to which we crave our sense of identity' which brings us to her second theme. The 'cocktail culture' that she finely mouths leaves us lingering between the explorer and the curious side and the valued and stubborn side, according to her. "Diversity in unity...that's what we have now.." When it comes to her theme of women empowerment, she describes how women need to be looked beyond just being beautiful objects and women empowerment and expression in its truer sense rather than just the thought of it. Interestingly, her theme on the environment talks about how when we destroy the earth, we destroy ourselves and this creation of negative energy needs to be rid of. Harmony with the environment can only cause us to radiate the individuality that we all possess. for her spirituality is religion and it is with religion that spirituality lies. Her faith brings her closer to her roots adds she.
When asked if she had ever been trained or taken art classes, she says all that she creates are her vent to express herself which puts a strong inclination on all her work. Maaria says shes always been a performer and she won't do anything unless convinced of it. She's never studied anybody else's art which she adds can only limit ones ability. her entire work is her expression of extreme emotions, "i can't be running down the streets telling people what i feel...so i translate that energy into whatever i'm working on."
She's a normal teenager. that is if normal is being published at 17, galka paintings at 18, teaching spech and drama at Trinity (for which she is qualified!) and still manages time for her English Literature classes at one of the country's premier colleges.
Maaria's self confidence and warm nature is really infectious. I wonder why she has an extra 'a' to her name? well i'll just have to wait and find out on the 12th because 'lil ol' me has been specially invited to her opening!

Free Tibet!

China denies using deadly force in Tibet amid mounting pressure
BEIJING (AFP) — China faced mounting global pressure over Tibet on Monday amid exiles' claims that hundreds of people may have died in a crackdown on protesters, even though Beijing denied using deadly force.
In its first official account of the unrest in the Tibetan capital of Lhasa, China blamed protesters who rose up against Chinese rule in what has turned into a public relations nightmare for Beijing ahead of the Olympic Games.
"They either burned or hacked to death 13 innocent civilians," Tibet government chairman Qiangba Puncog told reporters in Beijing, adding Chinese forces had not fired weapons at protesters.
"Throughout the process, (security forces) did not carry or use any lethal weapons."
However the Tibetan leadership in exile in India said about 100 people, and possibly "hundreds", had been killed in a widespread crackdown in Lhasa and throughout the Himalayan region.
Qiangba's comments also contradicted many eyewitness accounts from local Chinese and foreign tourists in Lhasa that they saw and heard repeated gunfire there on Friday, the biggest day of protests, and over the weekend.
Meanwhile, the international pressure continued to rise on China over its handling of the unrest with US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice calling on Beijing to open talks with the Dalai Lama, Tibet's exiled spiritual leader.
"We have really urged the Chinese over several years to find a way to talk with the Dalai Lama," Rice told reporters as she travelled to Moscow. "I would hope they still find a way to do that."
India also called on its giant neighbour to find a "non-violent" solution to the unrest, while a British minister said China risked wrecking its image as host of August's Games in Beijing if problems in Tibet escalated.
"This is China's coming-out party, and they should take great care to do nothing that will wreck that," Mark Malloch-Brown, minister for Africa, Asia and the United Nations, told BBC television.
The European Commission expressed concern Monday about the unrest but opposed any boycott of the Olympics.
"We are very concerned by the events in Tibet and we are calling for restraint on all sides," the commission's external relations spokeswoman said.
On the Olympics, she said: "In our view, such a boycott would not be the appropriate way to address the work for respect of the human rights, which means the ethnic and religious rights, of the Tibetans."
In Lhasa, a massive security presence remained in place to ensure there was no repeat of Friday's violence, with independent reports still filtering out of the city despite foreign journalists being denied entry.
"Its awful... there are armed tanks rolling down the street. There appears to be a curfew here as hardly anyone is on the streets, apart from a lot of army men in riot gear," one foreigner in Lhasa told AFP by phone.
Chinese authorities have set a deadline of midnight on Monday for Tibetans involved in the unrest to surrender and warned that people sheltering them would be punished.
"Those who have committed serious crimes will be dealt with harshly," Qiangba said, urging Tibetans to inform on each other.
"If they turn themselves in, they will be dealt with leniently. If they provide further information about others involved, they will be treated even more leniently."
Meanwhile, security forces were busy elsewhere on Monday trying to end a wave of anti-Chinese protests in areas of western China with large ethnic Tibetan populations.
In one of the protests, activists said Chinese police had opened fire on a crowd in Sichuan province on Sunday, killing eight people.
A 15-year-old student was among the eight killed, the International Campaign for Tibet said.
Among the other protests in western China, monks have led marches involving thousands of people at and around the Labrang monastery, one of Tibetan Buddhism's most important sites, in Gansu province.
Another protest involving about 1,500 people was reported in Machu county, Gansu, on Sunday, with another rally there on Monday involving many more people, the London-based Free Tibet Campaign said.
The protests began in Lhasa early last week to coincide with the anniversary of a failed 1959 uprising against Chinese rule that began when troops were sent in to "liberate" the vast Himalayan region nine years earlier.
The Dalai Lama, who fled his homeland after the 1959 uprising, spoke out on Sunday from his base of exile in India against what he termed China's "rule of terror" in Tibet.
"They simply rely on using force in order to simulate peace, a peace brought by force using a rule of terror," the 1989 Nobel Peace Prize winner said.
Tibet's prime minister-in-exile, Samdhong Rinpoche, said Monday that around 100 people had died in the crackdown on the latest unrest, while the parliament-in-exile said possibly hundreds had died.
Free Tibet i say! No people have the right to claim anything that has so rightfully being handed in culture, living, tradition,and humanity!Free Tibet!
HisHoliness the Dalai Lama couldn't have said it better...
"Whether Chinese government admits or not, there is a problem. The problem is the nation with ancient cultural heritage is actually facing serious dangers.... Whether as a Tibetan nation, ancient nation with ancient cultural heritage is actually dying".
"And then also, whether intentionally or unintentionally, somewhere cultural genocide is taking place".
"Generally, Tibetans are following, I think quite sincerely, non-violent principles. Of course individual human beings, when emotions come out of control, then certain sort of violent actions are possible. But my principle, everybody knows is completely committed to non-violence".
"A peaceful way to express their (Tibetans) deep resentment is right".
Free Tibet I say......

It's Over!

Recalling my last drunken text and my post drunken 'hung over' speech:

*Drunken stupor:"Is it because financially i'm not on my own? Lets be brutally honest. It'll make things clearer especially for a 21 year old like me..."

*Drunken stupor 2 : " That just didn't sound right...or not what i was trying to imply...(what was i trying to imply!!!) If it's over just let me know coz i don't think we can ever be friends...EVER"

Message Delivered to....

What the Fuck is wrong with me!!over?HA!itt's very clear that it's over a long time ago!fortunately i know it vehemently...TSK! Drama, drama, drama...

Lets try and recall the conversation post alcohol induced text that happened at 11:07 am March 05, 2008

Funny i actually said...better yet lets re-enact the conversation..

Phone rings...i wake up all croggy..recognizes the name flashing on the phone...put it on silent...back to sleep..

Roomie walks in...disturbs my sleep.

on an impulse call back. I honestly don't know why..probably the drama...what is wrong with me!well Fuck you anyway!

Is this a self depricating note?i hope not...why am i beating myself over it?i can't tell..coz everytime i tell myself its over and i'm gonna be mature about it, somehow my brain doesn't seem to get it ingrained into it's neurons. Well fuck you anyway.

Back to the conversation...

Asshole: Hey! ( always that familiar tone...sigh...always...it's like you're home....ive mentioned it before...WHY?!! Am i over it? It's been so long since it's over....and i'm still being petty!)

Broken Person: Hi (trying to sound non-chalant...thats whats i was complimented on...a long time ago...that i'm liked coz i'm so non-chalant...and i'm still being petty..)

Geronomo: (what was said...hmmm...don't remember,,yawn!alcohol still running in my breathe...yuck! i'm used to that anyway...think its goes something like ..

Do you know what messages* you sent me last night?

La Petite: of course! (lying through my teeth!)

Lola Kutty: Sigh! (makes a sound of ...i don't know...resignation?)

Bugs Bunny we've spoken about this so many times...why do you do that?

Gandalf: I didn't do it to get a reaction! (HA HA!hillarious innit? Look at the *...and no reaction?!but i didn't remember what i had sent so it made sense then...i honestly thought it was a well written, heart felt and heart-broken but mature text.Ha! Fuck You! i just wanted to say that.)

Elijah Wood: C'mon Matilda!you DID that to get a reaction out of me...why do tou do that?i called yesterday...you were probably doing something coz you didn't pick up..

the conversation went something like that for 30 seconds...

This is just damn petty!

Priscilla Presley: (Trying to remember the text...)

Rotundus: Whatcha doing today?

Elvis Presley: Dunno... heading out to town later...

Lisa Marie Presley: Wanna meet up?

Graceland: I'm probably gonna be hanging out with my buddies all day in town...(which is a half lie)

Neverland: Oh alright. I was heading to the gym anyway...

(AARGH!then why ask if you wanna meet!!!?why pretend to be so non-chalant??!!!

on second thought...he is and i'm the one pretending..DAMMIT!)

Blanket: (hangs up...coz i'm just so annoyed that BLEEP doesn't care...and doesn't even try to persuade me...sound like a lil girl?well thats whats duffus does to me!and believe me it's frusterating!

I mean if you do care or like somebody, would'nt you atleast try some persuasion?well pinky and the brain doesn't ...just doesn't give a damn...

also hangs up to quickly see sent messages to remember the heavy-laden text...WHAM!why do i have to send such stupid messages!!??I recall writing and sending it and at that point, it made all the sense in the world.

Guess i blew it again!

But beyond my drunken escapades, it is crystal clear that i am still hung up.....how about giving it another shot?after all this i didnt think so either...It's over...and i'm still being petty...

I need help...maybe...petty...pity!)

Not Again: 24 Great Films Too Painful To Watch Twice:

1. Requiem For A Dream (2000)
2. Dancer In The Dark (2000)
3. The Passion Of Joan Of Arc (1928)
4. The Seventh Continent (1989)
5. Winter Light (1962)
6. Bad Lieutenant (1992)
7. Straw Dogs (1971)
8. Audition (1999)
9. Sick: The Life And Death Of Bob Flanagan, Supermasochist (1997)
10. Come And See (1985)
11. In A Year Of 13 Moons (1978)
12. Safe (1995)
13. Irreversible (2002)
14. Boys Don't Cry (1999)
15. Grave Of The Fireflies (1988)
16. When The Wind Blows (1986)
17. Leaving Las Vegas (1996)
18. Jonestown: The Life And Death Of Peoples Temple (2006)
19. S-21: The Khmer Rouge Killing Machine (2003)
20. The Last House On The Left (1972)
21. Million Dollar Baby (2004)
22. United 93 (2006)
23. Lilya 4-Ever (2002)
24. Nil By Mouth (1997)

I've probably just seen 7 of the 24 ...and from that list i'd put 'Dancer in the Dark' right at the top. Didn't know Bjork could actually take the movement into that film. The aftermath: Hollow.
the List is from: http://www.avclub.com/content/feature/not_again_24_great_films_too

Ramblings...mindless rambling

This has been long overdue. Should have began my ramblings eons ago. Well for a 21 year old, call me old fashioned but I keep a journal. Mostly because I can rip everything under the ever diminishing sun apart without having to worry about nothing. Well almost.

My journal has been ravished and need I say ‘raped’ by my school mates whom if I remember correctly I haven’t spoken to for over a year in the two years that I was in that institution. Institution doesn’t sound too good but that directly means my school. Well, they broke into my locker for say perhaps lack of imaginative things on their mind to bother about. But then hey, if you gain some silly little pleasures out of reading sinister cynical bugles of a 17 year old and if you’re getting off it, gesundheit!

Sound like a lil’ girl whining? Well not that there’s anything wrong with whining whether it’s a girl or a boy but hey, it’s a mechanism that has taken years to develop!

Pseudo writer that I am…wait I don’t even think I’m legit to term myself that.

American rockers Nine Inch Nails are currently streaming their new album online, ahead of the CD’s commercial release. The latest band to promote their new album with a free track are the Icelandic group Sigur Ros.
Current musical trends in the west point to artistes giving their music away for free, trading some record sales in the hope that they’ll get more exposure from offering downloads. Motorhead, 3 doors down, Radiohead — to name a few. Perhaps it’s their own take at declining music sales. It’s now beyond industry knowledge that legal, conventional music sales have been witnessing a tremendous slump. In their own partaking in this relentless fad fuelled by illegitimate downloads, Indian bands have taken to the internet with a vengeance.
While every major label is trying to get a revenue share from every conceivable source to compensate for declining sales revenue, musicians are taking to streaming options like MySpace as never before. “Traditional music labels held a virtual monopoly on music by controlling distribution channels. Artistes had little chance of ‘getting discovered’, who’d normally have edgier and funkier music to display. The whole online download and streaming portals have reshaped the music industry by enabling a free, direct-to-consumer solution for artistes and listeners,” says Randolph Correia, lead guitarist of Pentagram and Func of Shaair+Func. Pentagram streams songs from their albums on their website.
On the other hand, Delhi rockers Parikrama have been pioneers of sorts in the case of streaming music online, starting it up way back in 1997. “It’s evolved into such a form of media, part entertainment and part communications. So effective are websites at connecting with fans that it could change the dynamics of the music industry. With Parikrama, we do not want to restrict ourselves to releasing just CDs. No albums have been a hit for a long while now and knowing western music doesn’t entail much money, the Internet is a valuable marketing tool for musicians,” says Subir Malik of Parikrama.Check Junkyard Groove who opened for Megadeth in bangalore; Incubus and Robert Plant in Dubai; Themclones who featured in an interview on BBC Radio and the likes. All of these artists have gained a lot of exposure via the Internet (read: Myspace). With so many potential pairs of eyes and ears at your fingertips, it is becoming a necessity for any musical artiste — whether signed and selling or unsigned and hopeful — to get online.